Femininity for me is a fine line that I tip toe on everyday. That line is impossibly blurry and in constant flux. Usually, my daily decision making process hinges on trying to be sweet, charming, and well-put-together and being assertive, strong, inspired, spirited and even what some might call bitchy.

When I was auditioning in NYC for a millisecond (8 days), I felt a shift occur inside me, completely involuntarily, my demeanor, my "vibe" subtly evolved. Maybe no one around me noticed, but I have noticed. See...I have questioned my outward image so much it makes my head spin...worried constantly about what others thought of me, how people would respond to my words and behavior, but even with all that worrying, I STILL didn't feel effective. I didn't feel like a whole person, able and capable of being taken seriously...ever! But I feel a sense of growth has occurred over the last 8 days or shall I say year (when I originally started my plans to apply for grad school).

Today a confrontation of my former self and new self occurred: The old me would deliberate for 30 minutes over which tank top was too "skanky" or if my boots were too attention-grabbing. Fearful of being manly, yet trying with all my might to not deemed as a slut, not to have men check me out or try to stay under the radar- and of course, as a result of all this internal battling, strange results would occur. Haha...it makes me laugh to think about it.

But the "new" me did not even think twice about what she wore today. She only focused on what she wanted to do. I cleaned my house, bought my mom a birthday gift, watched a movie, got food poisoning (didn't want that), wore rain boots with shorts, and had a good time. Liberating, exhilarating, refreshing, and a frolicking mess--just some of the words that come to mind.

I'm not interested in being beautiful to other people. Heck, I am beautiful. I like myself, I like my light-dark complexion that I can never find the right shade of foundation for (that's probably because I shouldn't be wearing make-up to begin with)! I like my body, I worked hard to get it. I like who I have become and I am proud to acknowledge that woman. She has struggled so far to come to this place of comfort. And I MUST SAY, NO ONE CAN GIVE YOU PEACE OF MIND. You have to discover it yourself.

My heart feels free. Free from expectation and more importantly, free from mental and spiritual constrictions that I have been self-imposing for a lifetime. I am in no way enlightened or smarted, really. I just have realized that in order to be the best person I can be, I have to focus on myself- in an unselfish way. All that I am responsible for is my own happiness. I cannot fix people. And the perspectives of colleagues, peers, professors, friends, and family would all greatly improve if I am happy and if I stop stressed over my projected self.

In the famous words of Clementine (Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind), "I am just a girl looking for her own f---ed up piece of mind." I think that's all I can do at this point- be responsible for myself and no one else. I just want to play great music for people, I think that's a pretty straight-forward goal don't you?